I heard such an apt description the other day "a drop of oil on the ocean, a part but separate"
I have spent almost my whole life feeling like that. Attending Church but feeling like the odd one out, attending school but definitely feeling like the odd one out, at work and always feeling like the odd one out, I got married and still felt like the odd one out. I didn't bother going to the pub after the marriage broke down because I was sure I'd just feel like the odd one out. Just reading that back makes me want to cry for my childhood. I have no idea why I felt that way, but I did.
Last night, I played on FaceBook. At some time during the evening my eye fell on the section where friends are listed. At that point there were 133 names listed. All I could think was that all these people had accepted me as a friend because they liked me. There is something about me, something I do or did for these people that means to say they want to be associated with me; no matter how I feel about myself.
That realisation made such a difference. I matter to people, maybe only because I smiled at them at work, maybe because I wasn't rude at school, in some cases just because I was able to stop their child from crying! I went to bed happy last night.
So, if you want to meet me in the pub, just say so! I can face the world happy, because I've concluded that people like me, so it's OK to like myself.
Thanks everyone, I like you too.
Sunday, 19 October 2008
Saturday, 11 October 2008
What's important
This week I finally had television hooked up in my house for the first time in three years. Having lived without it that long I wondered what I would do with it, how much time I would spend watching and how it would change me.
I've discovered some very interesting things. I've discovered that I can't do without being up to date with the news at least twice a day, and if there's nothing better on I'll leave the news rolling. I've also discovered that while music channels are all very well, the programs I love best are the ones that show the goodness of man to his fellow man, inspiring everyone on to help and give hope to those without.
What's important to me, I have discovered, is not knowing the latest weather, or who has been shot, or who has gone bankrupt. It's knowing that there is still a spark of desire to give back hope, to help, to get things moving again.
Pay it forward. The idea of having had help, you give help to someone else who needs it, and then they do the same for someone else, rather than trying to repay the person who gave the help in the first place.
For those who really want to know what inspired this train of thought, it was Extreme Makeover Home Edition, originally made and broadcast by ABC. Helping people who couldn't help themselves and inspiring other people to do the same. I really can't think of a better thing to watch on a day when the week has left me limp and tired.
Giving is it's own reward. It changes the giver as well as helping the givee.
I've discovered some very interesting things. I've discovered that I can't do without being up to date with the news at least twice a day, and if there's nothing better on I'll leave the news rolling. I've also discovered that while music channels are all very well, the programs I love best are the ones that show the goodness of man to his fellow man, inspiring everyone on to help and give hope to those without.
What's important to me, I have discovered, is not knowing the latest weather, or who has been shot, or who has gone bankrupt. It's knowing that there is still a spark of desire to give back hope, to help, to get things moving again.
Pay it forward. The idea of having had help, you give help to someone else who needs it, and then they do the same for someone else, rather than trying to repay the person who gave the help in the first place.
For those who really want to know what inspired this train of thought, it was Extreme Makeover Home Edition, originally made and broadcast by ABC. Helping people who couldn't help themselves and inspiring other people to do the same. I really can't think of a better thing to watch on a day when the week has left me limp and tired.
Giving is it's own reward. It changes the giver as well as helping the givee.
Saturday, 4 October 2008
Keeping warm
It's been amusing in the last few days. I'm talking about the way this house has responded to the changing weatherover the last week.
Cat J has climbed into bed with me every night because of how cold it has been. I put a second duvet on the bed as well as wearing socks. I'm determined not to put the heating up; it's bothering me that I had to put it on at all, so it's set to about 18C; and if that's still not warm enough, more clothes and warm drinks. O and J both are less keen to go outside now. It may be due to their age as much as anything else, they used to happily go outside in all except subzero conditions. It isn't that cold, but the cats are keen to stay in.
I repaired the magnetic closer on the catflap today. O and J had managed to pull it off completely a few weeks ago, and while it was warm out that was fine, but now its getting cold (and frosty in places) its not so good.
I'll be making chicken soup later today for my lunches for the next week. I happen to particularly like it as it's filling and warning and it's half an afternoon of cooking followed by 3 minute microwaving sessions daily per portion - added to which, O and J love chicken skin! (warm house occurrence alert!)
I also need to get some laundry done in spite of the fact that there is going to be torrential rain later today and overnight. Also, I need to shuffle the living room around so that the television has a proper place to live, particularly as the people are coming from Virgin to "plumb it in" so to speak.
I'm looking out of the window while I drink my tea, and noticing the colour of the silver birches in the hedge. They are stunning, all that colour. Add the rising wind, and there is something of a blizzard of dried leaves going around outside. Musing a little here, I think I love autumn and winter better than spring and summer. The scent, the colour, the changing temperature, the challenge of dealing with the changing weather; I love it all.
Cat J has climbed into bed with me every night because of how cold it has been. I put a second duvet on the bed as well as wearing socks. I'm determined not to put the heating up; it's bothering me that I had to put it on at all, so it's set to about 18C; and if that's still not warm enough, more clothes and warm drinks. O and J both are less keen to go outside now. It may be due to their age as much as anything else, they used to happily go outside in all except subzero conditions. It isn't that cold, but the cats are keen to stay in.
I repaired the magnetic closer on the catflap today. O and J had managed to pull it off completely a few weeks ago, and while it was warm out that was fine, but now its getting cold (and frosty in places) its not so good.
I'll be making chicken soup later today for my lunches for the next week. I happen to particularly like it as it's filling and warning and it's half an afternoon of cooking followed by 3 minute microwaving sessions daily per portion - added to which, O and J love chicken skin! (warm house occurrence alert!)
I also need to get some laundry done in spite of the fact that there is going to be torrential rain later today and overnight. Also, I need to shuffle the living room around so that the television has a proper place to live, particularly as the people are coming from Virgin to "plumb it in" so to speak.
I'm looking out of the window while I drink my tea, and noticing the colour of the silver birches in the hedge. They are stunning, all that colour. Add the rising wind, and there is something of a blizzard of dried leaves going around outside. Musing a little here, I think I love autumn and winter better than spring and summer. The scent, the colour, the changing temperature, the challenge of dealing with the changing weather; I love it all.
Saturday, 27 September 2008
Harder than I thought
I've sat here stewing for the best part of a week over the fact that I can't get straight out and dig for my dinner, and I have discovered that waiting is really hard, so I think I may need to change the subject for a while.
I would talk about how I enjoy cooking, but the very thought of it is enough to make me feel ill at the moment. My suspicion is that I'm dealing with low blood sugar, as I'm tired, nauseous and cold. I'm somewhat headachey too, but that could very easily be put down to work related stress (those who know me can attest how true that is).
The other down side is that feeling so droopy is not at all conducive to getting out in the garden and whipping it into shape, no matter how good the weather is. It's just awful, everyone else's garden near me is at the very least tidy, with the grass at a sensible height, and mine is full of weeds, too long, and I feel too limp to pay any attention to it. I had to force myself out of bed today. I would happily have stayed there all day, but no matter how rough one feels, some things have to be done.
I've even gone and placed a dotcom grocery order (shocking by itself) that has a loaf of bread on it. I mean to say, things must be grim if I'm not feeling up to loading the breadmaker!
I'm going to raid the vitamins, have some fruit juice and have an early night I think.
I would talk about how I enjoy cooking, but the very thought of it is enough to make me feel ill at the moment. My suspicion is that I'm dealing with low blood sugar, as I'm tired, nauseous and cold. I'm somewhat headachey too, but that could very easily be put down to work related stress (those who know me can attest how true that is).
The other down side is that feeling so droopy is not at all conducive to getting out in the garden and whipping it into shape, no matter how good the weather is. It's just awful, everyone else's garden near me is at the very least tidy, with the grass at a sensible height, and mine is full of weeds, too long, and I feel too limp to pay any attention to it. I had to force myself out of bed today. I would happily have stayed there all day, but no matter how rough one feels, some things have to be done.
I've even gone and placed a dotcom grocery order (shocking by itself) that has a loaf of bread on it. I mean to say, things must be grim if I'm not feeling up to loading the breadmaker!
I'm going to raid the vitamins, have some fruit juice and have an early night I think.
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
Sad, deflated I suppose...
I'm so disappointed. I really wanted - and still do want - to get out and dig something, grow something, watch it happen and marvel at it all.
I've been told I have to go on the waiting list. That meanie Person at the Office lied to me, and I hate him without even knowing his name! I truly thought I'd be able to get going virtually straight away. I'd been out hunting up prices for stuff I thought I might need, and I was riding such a wave of anticipation, and it just isn't going to happen yet.
Sigh. My garden is truly not big enough or protected sufficently from marauding people to consider growing anything except flowers and herbs; besides which the soil is barely good enough for grass. All the nice flowers are growing in pots!
I'll make a start on getting the garden looking how I'd like it to be and hopefully by the time I'm happy with it I'll be able to get the fork into an allotment. At least I know how I want the garen to look. A bit of grass with lots of scented old fashioned stuff around it, and just enough space for the washing line in the middle.
I've been told I have to go on the waiting list. That meanie Person at the Office lied to me, and I hate him without even knowing his name! I truly thought I'd be able to get going virtually straight away. I'd been out hunting up prices for stuff I thought I might need, and I was riding such a wave of anticipation, and it just isn't going to happen yet.
Sigh. My garden is truly not big enough or protected sufficently from marauding people to consider growing anything except flowers and herbs; besides which the soil is barely good enough for grass. All the nice flowers are growing in pots!
I'll make a start on getting the garden looking how I'd like it to be and hopefully by the time I'm happy with it I'll be able to get the fork into an allotment. At least I know how I want the garen to look. A bit of grass with lots of scented old fashioned stuff around it, and just enough space for the washing line in the middle.
Friday, 19 September 2008
Nervous chatter
I'm bracing myself now. Tomorrow I get to go to the Corn Exchange in Town and find out if there are any allotments near me. If there are, then I can get out my pitifully poor equipment and start digging for Britain - or at least for my supper someday down the line!
There is a very long list of things I want to grow in my pocket, and I was very aware on the way home from work that I know nothing, but nothing about how to grow veg! Come to think of it, I know very little about growing fruit; soft or otherwise, too.
When do you plant potatoes, and which types are more disease resistant? And carrots? All I know is how to eat them. Beans? I think you just shove them in the ground and encourage them up a pole and then pick them, but I'm probably hideously wrong, and someone who knows a bit more about growing fruit and veg than I do is probably laughing very hard at me.
I am also not sure if I want help. I really want this to be something I do and learn from. If someone helps me, I'm a little worried that I'll turn into a bit of a passenger with my own allotment, not learn anything and the people who have helped or are helping will turn around and tell me they hate me!
Here's hoping that it's all ok
There is a very long list of things I want to grow in my pocket, and I was very aware on the way home from work that I know nothing, but nothing about how to grow veg! Come to think of it, I know very little about growing fruit; soft or otherwise, too.
When do you plant potatoes, and which types are more disease resistant? And carrots? All I know is how to eat them. Beans? I think you just shove them in the ground and encourage them up a pole and then pick them, but I'm probably hideously wrong, and someone who knows a bit more about growing fruit and veg than I do is probably laughing very hard at me.
I am also not sure if I want help. I really want this to be something I do and learn from. If someone helps me, I'm a little worried that I'll turn into a bit of a passenger with my own allotment, not learn anything and the people who have helped or are helping will turn around and tell me they hate me!
Here's hoping that it's all ok
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
Big Plans or Pipe Dreams?
I'm very excited. I've decided I need an allotment, and I've been told by the council that there are some available here in Town, so I shall be going this weekend to investigate and get started.
I really hope it works. I want to do it for a whole selection of reasons.
-My garden is tiny and the soil is pretty poor
-I need to cut my bills, and growing veg for a “mostly veggie” seems like a good way to go it
-I need to find other forms of exercise. While my legs are fairly toned from the cycling I do, the rest of me is lagging a long way behind.
-I want the opportunity to meet people. Growing things in a communal setting sounds like a good way to go.
I have millions of ideas of things I want to grow, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to fit them all in, but at the moment I know I'm bracing myself for a huge amount of digging before I can put anything in the ground at all. I want the stuff I grow to have the best chance possible, so I have already concluded that I'm prepared to use chemicals as well as the more organic things. Slug pellets for one. I refuse to let the horrible little creatures anywhere near my tender growing plants!
I have already negotiated a trade. Father is prepared to help in exchange for food, and Father used to keep an allotment before I was born and while I was tiny, so this is a very profitable exchange.
Other than the assistance, I have nothing. I also have very little idea of what I'm letting myself in for other than going to a patch of ground where I'm growing things regardless of rain or sun. I have ideas of things I will need, and things I want, but nothing really more than that.
Yes, while I am excited, I'm also a bit scared. I think my biggest fears are that I'll either lose interest and have wasted money on my hands rather than reduced bills, or that disease will strike and I'll have nothing to show for the hard work I've put in!
I really hope it works. I want to do it for a whole selection of reasons.
-My garden is tiny and the soil is pretty poor
-I need to cut my bills, and growing veg for a “mostly veggie” seems like a good way to go it
-I need to find other forms of exercise. While my legs are fairly toned from the cycling I do, the rest of me is lagging a long way behind.
-I want the opportunity to meet people. Growing things in a communal setting sounds like a good way to go.
I have millions of ideas of things I want to grow, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to fit them all in, but at the moment I know I'm bracing myself for a huge amount of digging before I can put anything in the ground at all. I want the stuff I grow to have the best chance possible, so I have already concluded that I'm prepared to use chemicals as well as the more organic things. Slug pellets for one. I refuse to let the horrible little creatures anywhere near my tender growing plants!
I have already negotiated a trade. Father is prepared to help in exchange for food, and Father used to keep an allotment before I was born and while I was tiny, so this is a very profitable exchange.
Other than the assistance, I have nothing. I also have very little idea of what I'm letting myself in for other than going to a patch of ground where I'm growing things regardless of rain or sun. I have ideas of things I will need, and things I want, but nothing really more than that.
Yes, while I am excited, I'm also a bit scared. I think my biggest fears are that I'll either lose interest and have wasted money on my hands rather than reduced bills, or that disease will strike and I'll have nothing to show for the hard work I've put in!
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