Raecheybaby

Daaaad....

2009-12-30T12:41:00.002Z

How do I get into this maths training!?

All change please!

2009-06-16T12:51:00.006+01:00

I've moved this blog to Raecheybaby.com. There will not be further posts here, but all are welcome to continue reading at the new adress, where posts are expected to be more frequent!

Blogger was great to get started, but I wanted a bit more control over the look and feel of the blog and the option to be able to do more with the site.

See you soon!

It beggars belief

2009-06-09T11:59:00.002+01:00

Sometimes I just think the world has gone utterly crazy, sometimes I know it has!

What has me shaking my head today is this news link I found on the BBC website this morning. Just what is the RMT union thinking? A two day strike at this kind of notice in the middle of the week?

Do they really not care how many people will not be able to get home from work or not get to work or - even worse - not make their flight for their holiday? I use the London Underground fairly infrequently, but when I do it's because I have to get somewhere for a certain time. To be faced with a service that's not operational because of strike action would make me incandescent with rage. I wish I was joking about that.

A group of my friends are meeting in London today for the first time, at least one of them has come from Europe for it, and now their meeting will now be completely marred by having to make sure they get the tube before the strike starts or trying to negotiate a crowded bus service during the evening.

*and breathe*

OK. All that said, I have Classic FM playing on the radio, and they are playing pretty tunes aimed at soothing the savage beast and I think it might just be working! I am not swearing at Oliver who has decided to pester me just as I sat down to eat, or the fact that my lunch didn't quite turn out the way I wanted it to.

I do still need to think fast on what to eat later today, but thats not unusual for me. I'll sort it, because I hate going hungry at work!

I hit a wall

2009-06-06T13:27:00.003+01:00

Overtired alert.

I think I've done too much recently. Things that are issues but are managable ones are becoming major crises that give me stomach cramps and make me cry.

I think this is just a short note that I'm going to be resting for a bit and spending a bit less time here this week.

My lifestyle has changed since I met Dan and while it's no bad thing, I haven't compensated for the fact that the days I used to keep for rest are now no longer as restful as they were. I travel a lot more and I'm getting up earlier on a daily basis, but not getting to bed earlier to compensate for that.

I think this weekend is about recalibration of my bodyclock. Housework can wait until I actually have the energy (now that I want to get it done!)

Take care everyone and don't forget the sunlotion when you go out!

A monday like a spring forecast!

2009-06-05T10:44:00.004+01:00

Monday was a nightmare. I know it's now friday, but it's taken this long for me to calm down and order things in my head to be able to talk about it; but again, so much happened and there was so much turmoil in my head that I need to write it down to make sense of it and also so I have a benchmark on how rough mondays can get!

Due to the heat all day sunday I didn't get much sleep on sunday night. As a result I was tired before I even reached the train station. Ted dropped me off in Loncoln as usual, and I went in only to find that the train I would be getting on was stoppping at Newark Castle and I'd have to get the rail replacement coach to Nottingham and I'd probably not manage to get to Loughborough in time to get the train home, thus I would be late for work.

In addition, I got a call from work because there was a case of misplaced paperwork and it was possible I knew where it was. I didn't, I had given it to someone else on friday and they'd misfiled it!

There was nothing for it but to get on with it, but I was already tense. I was fretting about how to get to work and whether I'd be on time, and in addition worrying about the paperwork that was lost, even though I was sure it wasn't me that had moved it. There wasn't a chance to call Dan either, since monday is one of the days when he works at the same company as his mother.

There was a great deal of incompetence going on at the station where we had to get off and go on to the coach, and I could feel the minutes slipping by. I knew which coach we had to get on and the organiser kept umming and ahhing and generally being a bit of an idiot, but we got on the coach eventually and got under way. On arrival in Nottingham things actually started to look up. The train to Loughborough and/or Bedford was one and the same and at the platform. I even managed to get my prebooked seat, not bad at all. So I did get back to Bedford without incident and got a taxi home as I had originally decided.

I got in, sorted food and drink and got ready to leave for work. Then the next disaster struck. I locked the house, went to unlock the bike and found that some impoverished person had made off with the saddle for my bike. Call me naive and trusting, but I always understood that locking your bike to a wall right outside your home meant it would be safe. Not so, it would seem; you have to cement everything down, even in a low crime area! I called the bike shop to try and get a replacement saddle but there was no answer, so I had to cycle in sitting on the luggage rack!

I am not normally a person to swear my head off, but you can imagine the way my feelings were going being tired and dealing with what felt like a war against me having a good day.

Fortunately the rest of the day wasn't too bad. Mostly it was difficult simply because I was already tired and tense from the previous mishaps but work itself wasn't actually bad in itself. Micheal, the star of the day, borrowed a saddle and seatpost off an abandoned bike at work and set it on my bike so I'd be able to get around until I could get one that fitted properly.

Overall, It was a real mixed bag of a day, it did get better, but it was thoroughly marred by the early mishaps and the tiredness from trying to sleep in the heat. Here's hoping I can avoid another day like it for a while!

Sunday with Dan and the riverside

2009-06-03T11:26:00.003+01:00

After the excitement of Saturday, Sunday was a welcome relief.

It was a really sunny day, very hot; and Dan and I spent a good part of the day sitting at the top of the bank outside the house just watching the river do what it wanted to do and talking.

It was wonderful. It felt as though everything that was bothering me was hundreds of miles away and I had an oasis of peace for as long as I wanted it. Nothing was more important that spending time just being still, allowing the stillness of nature to percolate through my head.

Ted, it has to be said, is a great cook. Every meal he produced was a no fuss tasty affair, whether it was a cooked sunday breakfast or a barbecue style meal on the patio. Thank you Ted!

Ted and Dee spent the majority of the day working on the garden, planting a tree and some bedding-style plants around a new koi pond. Trees are big heavy things to plant, so while Dan enjoyed the sun I gave a hand getting the thing into the hole that Ted and Dee had dug! Dan and I took drinks at intervals to them at intervals, to help with the heat factor.

It felt like paradise all day. I can't remember the last time I was just able to "be" around a man. It was sheer bliss, just resting, enjoying his company and being able to recharge for a day. I imagine the great weather helped with the mood, but I blame 90% of it on having found one of those rare men who can understand what I'm thinking and how my brain works.

Better than a Soap Opera!

2009-06-02T23:20:00.008+01:00

Last weekend was so busy, so full of highs and lows, I need to blog it just to try and make sense of it!

I'm not kidding about the title, there was more going on in it than an episode of a soap opera. I might just be able to blog it in one post, we'll see.

Saturday started in grand style. It was the funeral of Noel Stanton. I didn't miss any busses getting there, which is really something for me, but a poor old gentleman on the way got overbalanced trying to ring for the bus to stop and actually getting off it, so between the bus driver and some of the passengers, we took about 10 or 15 minutes to get him back on his feet and walked home.

I then went into Sainsbury's for some food and bits for later - and left my overnight case there once I'd paid for and bagged up all my stuff, but didn't notice until I came to pay for something in The Body Shop and mum rang me in the middle. Needless to say I was a bit tired and rather flustered before I even got to the funeral.

The funeral was very much a history-making event. It was held at the Northampton Jesus Centre and was packed out. I managed to get into the main auditorium, but I'm certain there were people who had to sit out in on of the overflow room and watch a video link. I didn't get a seat, I had to sit/kneel/stand in a walkway area. Gerald Coates (edit: actually it was Roger Forster!), a long-time friend of Noel and a friend of the Jesus Army too, gave a message and a reading from the Bible.

There was a video containing photos and videos of Noel running from early life, his time in the Navy, ordination, early days at Bugbrooke Chapel and going on right up to the last addresses he made to the Jesus Army just before and at Easter. Kelly, Shaun and Danny gave tributes of their own. They spoke of how Noel had believed in them, pushed them on, been there for them, seen God in the most unlikely people and actions.

We sang 9 songs of Noel's own choosing, and at his request there was very little evidence of black. He wanted a celebration, and I believe we managed to do him proud. There was a lot of laughter throughout. That may sound odd given that we were at a funeral, but it was good and right. I suppose it might be more fitting to say it was a service of thanksgiving for the life of a man who had served God until God called him home. As you might expect, there were tears at the end when the coffin was carried out by the young men who Noel had regarded as his sons.

I chose not to go to the committal. It was enough for me to say goodbye to him at the Jesus Centre.

The "fun" restarted as I left the Jesus Centre. I walked to the train station in baking heat pulling all my luggage, bought my ticket and made it to the platform just in time to catch the train. Great. Except the train was quite a long one and I got on about halfway along. I was a little surprised that the train didn't pull out immediately, and was stunned to learn when the train was 10 minutes late that only the front section was going where I needed to go and it had already left. I had to go to Birmingham and then change and get to Nottingham via Derby, and I was an hour late getting to Nottingham. Dan and his dad waited patiently for me to arrive and then find a toilet. By the time I arrived in Nottingham I'd drunk 4 litres of various drinks due to the heat, but the toilet on the train was broken, so I was in great discomfort by the time I arrived!

After all that, Ted and Dee (and Dan, before he panics!) were lovely to me, listening to all that had happened and feeding me wine and tasty food. Watching TV was abandoned in favour of going pretty much straight to bed.

Intoducing a man who loves earl grey tea

2009-05-29T23:26:00.005+01:00

I need to talk about someone special.

His name is Dan. He kind of stumbled into my life via Twitter one day a few weeks ago, and since then my life has changed completely. I think what scared me a little to start with is how many common interests we share, obviously that has long changed!

I've got to know a man who makes me feel good about myself even when I'm so tired that I cry when I've spilled coffee on my clean jeans, who sends a text message that makes me smile "just because", who lets me sleep even though he would really prefer that I stay awake so we can talk on the phone, and doesn't sulk when I fall asleep while he's on the phone to me. He is a man of many interests.

He is a self-confessed geek with a love for earl grey tea and Formula 1 racing. He likes music in most of it's forms. He lives in a village for heaven's sake, and has no desire to live in a town! He enjoys cooking and garden watching and watching intelligent humour. We also both have long term health conditions.

We aren't identical twins though, he loves films where I love books, and I can understand simple technology that on occasion defeats him (makes me feel great to teach him about something!)

He has changed me. I have been told repeatedly at work and home that I'm happier and that I function better as a person. He makes me feel complete in a way I haven't felt complete in longer than I can remember.

I told my family about him last weekend, once we'd been getting to know each other for about a month, and now there are plans for us to arrange a meet up. Mum already likes him and she's not met him face to face yet!

Holiday monday and visiting

2009-05-28T10:02:00.003+01:00

Monday.

It's always an interesting day when it comes to bank holiday weekends that involve a large marquee and huge numbers of people. 95% of those people are really tired from long days at the tent and dealing with crowds they don't normally face. Friends getting irritable is pretty much par for the course on mondays, but it's still worth being there if I can.

Big downside to things, I have 2 mobile phones, and both of them ran out of power just after breakfast this morning. Given that I was camping, I'd decided not to bring chargers as I didn't want to leave the phones where I might lose them.

No doubt about it I was tired. 3 days later, I'm still tired! I got up at 7am having managed to tune out the dawn chorus - I was surpised I managed that so quickly - and packed up the tent before breakfast. No cooked breakfast today, that only arrives on sunday.

Flasks, cakes, rolls and flowers and back up to the tent - but we've forgotten to pick up Mavis, so back into Daventry to collect Mavis and arrive just 10 minutes before the start of the session. Thank heavens for the carload of event team people who went an hour ago and saved some seats really!

As is usual for a monday, this particular session pulled together the various threads of all the other sessions and put them into order for us, as well as having time for people to stand and speak of how the weekend had gone. There is also rather less in the way of singing on a monday, to allow time for this.

This weekend has focussed rather a lot on Noel's passing, but I think that was right, and only to be expected. He led the church for 40 years, and he was loved by a great many people, and was the catalyst for change in many people's lives.

We've sung a lot of songs that he wrote, or particularly liked or that he had requested in his will for his funeral. According to my Dad, he had set out much of the content of the bank holiday not long before his final crisis and surgery. It all felt very special, and was indeed a celebration.

As the end of the main session, as people picked up their things and headed out to their cars for coffee and cake and home, my family picked up the flowers from the garden and went to visit John and Grandma Win's graves. The burial ground is a place of peace. Some might think it a little morbid, but I find it a place of rest rather than a scary place full of dead bodies. It's the resting place for the bodies of people who were dearly loved, and on saturday another dearly loved person will rest there and give me greater reason to visit in August.

After visiting the graves we (mum, dad, David, Paul, me) climbed in the car to go to my house for a dinner and a break, but it was hot, and we didn't have much to drink, so we stopped off at a Tesco that we don't normally go to for some cold drinks. Then we missed a turn coming out of Tesco and got disorientated. We ended up going part way to Milton Keynes before finding the turn for Bedford. It was also noted by myself that when 5 big people need to go somewhere by car, its a good thing to have a people carrier rather than an astra size car!

We reached my house and promptly cooked dinner having sent Dad off to my room to chill with a Planet Earth DVD. To explain, Dad got really grumpy on the way back, partly because he was tired and partly because Paul acted up to him. Mum settled with a book, David helped me cook and Paul sat ignoring all of us with his laptop.

Once everyone was rested and fed the conversation returned to the normal banter. This is one of my favourite parts of a bank holiday weekend, the chance to chill with my family and chat about anything and everything. On kicking out time, everything was slightly delayed due to dad hoping he could steal my Planet Earth DVDs (he was already borrowing my British Isles Natural History set) and mum hoping she could nick one of my books! The DVDs did stay with me, but the book is on loan for a week...

Anyway, that's my bank holiday for you. I know the posts have been really long, but I didn't know how to make them any shorter and still be able to capture the essence of what went on. I do find these bank holidays special times; and this one was particularly special.

Dawn Chorus Sunday

2009-05-27T10:08:00.007+01:00

Sunday started really early. I haven't camped out since August last year and I'm not very used to tuning out loud birdsong at 5am. I did get back to sleep eventually, but when I finally got up at 8am I was still pretty tired and wishing for a bit more sleep!

As is tradition, breakfast was fried eggs, sausages and beans with optional toast and tea on the side. Cooked by the men of the house I might add. We sang to one of the visiting girls as it was her birthday, which was good. Sometimes when it's a big weekend, birthdays can get buried in all the coming and going, listening and singing, eating and sleeping.

Tent and sleeping bag aired and set tidy, off to the marquee. Once again, it was very warm inside the tent, even with the sides tied up to allow good air flow through.

There was a longer tribute to Noel today. I won't go into it, but it was very much summing up the man that many people would not have seen behind the shirt and tie and Bible they saw on Sunday, or on Saturday night at the marquee in some park or other. Sam, Ian and Danny managed once again to show us a man who very few people have seen or even realise existed!

It was a changed format to what most people would expect on a Sunday, Mick bought forward the timing of the communion and Huw gave the main sermon. I know Noel was a man of great stamina, but I think that having several leaders take the different sections of the meeting is a good plan. No one leader gets too tired, and it's visible to the entire church that it's now being led by a team of men. True, there is one man as Senior Pastor; but the load is being shared now, as I think it might have been good to share it some time ago; although at that time the church might not have been ready for the change.

Lunch came at about 3pm as it usually does on a bank holiday weekend Sunday, and by the time it was eaten and served, the announcment came that the transport back to the tent would come at 4:30... it was 4pm already, and supper had to be prepared and left ready.

Mum and I sarted madly making supper for 60 - 3 kilos of pasta twists, 6 litres of sauce containing garlic, herbs, tuna, sweetcorn, peppers and more. We got it done, but 2 women working to make supper while 4 people are around the double sink washing dishes, and another 2 are in the pan room washing the saucepans and oven trays - stuff of nightmares! I was almost screaming by the time the dishes were done and the kitchen finally emptied of all but me and mum! Don't get me wrong, there was enough room for everyone to do what they were doing, but the noise we were making with our cooking, all the talking, the noise from the washing up, helpful men coming in with clean pans to be put away, questions on where to find, and "where does this go" and "could I have..." and "would you have time to..." It really was difficult, to understate it just a little.

Sunday evening was incredible. We sang and we listened to Steve and then it was time for people to stand for prayer if they wanted a blessing or to recieve healing or anything else that might come to mind. Mum challenged me to ignore my thoughts and go forward and get prayer for whatever God wanted to give me, so I did. Heidi and a friend started to pray that I would get a blessing, and suddenly it changed to lifting a "mantle of sadness". It was wonderful, even though it might not sound that way when I tell you I cried in the messiest way possible, but I felt as though a chunk of sadness had been removed and I felt lighter, and able to stand straighter afterward.

We were shown a selection of promotional films about upcoming events that various people might want to attend, and the finale of the night was singing the old hymn "For All The Saints". We nearly took the roof off the tent! It's such a lifting, triumphant hymn. My Dad was running one of the video cameras at the time, and he complained about being a bit deafened between the crowd going mad and the speaker just beside him! Still, it was good, because I've been wanting to sing that particular hymn since before Noel went home.

Back home soon after that for the pasta bake supper and into bed very shortly after, as Monday morning meant leaving for the marquee at 9:15am and I had a tent to pack ahead of that.

Did I mention that bank holiday weekends are tiring? :)

Saturday's adventures

2009-05-26T23:06:00.006+01:00

I have a lot to report, so this may become several posts, but we shall see what happens.

Saturday morning was something of a nightmare. I was really tired and didn't want to get up (the after effects of a late-night phone call) and so the morning got a really slow start.

I did remember to pack everything, thanks to a brainstorming session with a pen, paper and a great friend on skype. I left the house, got into town, dropped off my books at the library (two weeks late, eyewatering fine), did some shopping that I've been promising myself I'd do, went to the bus station - and relised that I'd not fed the cats. I'm not going to be home til mid afternoon monday at the earliest. This is not good at all. Found out that Lorraine was away for the weekend, so nothing for it but to go back home, feed them and get the next bus.

Finally reached my destination:- Marquee plus mum and dad and thousands of friends at about 5:30pm, 3 hours later than I wanted to. It annoyed me that I was so late, because this weekend was pretty important to me. Only 3 days ago Noel, a man we all looked up to, respected and admired passed away. I knew people would be feeling sore and lost, and my speciality is being able to see in someone's face when they need a hug, so it really bothered me that I missed the first session of the bank holiday.

That said, the Saturday evening session was really good. There were very few tears. Individual people had moments of sadness as you would expect; but corporately, as a church, the mood was one of celebration of a mans life. Noel had always been unafraid to follow God's word and challenge the status quo. He was never afraid to offend someone, if by that offence he pushed them away from something harmful, or a dangerous thought pattern, or laziness.

Throughout the weekend people paid tribute to him in their many and varied ways, telling stories that had the whole tent shouting with laughter or solemn for a moment. For a weekend when I was a little apprehensive of not being able to move for tearful people mourning en masse, it was a beautiful time.

The details of Noel's funeral were announced, among which featured prominently the request from Noel himself, "no black tie, this is a celebration!" which is just such a Noel comment that I think it's going to be one of the most colourful funerals in the history of Northampton! It is a standing room only event, which pretty much says how loved he was. The Jesus Centre in Northampton can hold approximately 2000 people in the main auditorium, and the expectation is that the auditoruim and all available overflow rooms will be completely full.

There was a video made by Trevor and Steve of their visit to Sierra Leone to several churches there who are part of the Multiply network. It was vey moving, seeing how these people live and function day to day, and there was great laughter when it was noted that Steve pumped up and gave to some of the children a new football - Steve gained a whole gang of 12 year old best mates!

Later in the evening, still on Saturday, a group of leaders from other Multiply affiliated churches were bought on stage, introduced and invited to speak for a few moments each. Some of these men lead chruches in places where it is illegal to be a christian, and their lives are in danger daily, but if anything, it makes them stronger. These men have no fear of what man can do. They would say that they fear more what God will say at the end.

When we finally got to the end of the evening and got back to Mum and Dads place I had the pleasaure of putting up my tent in the dark, which was an interesting experience, but it did mean a very peaceful night after supper was eaten and I'd gone out to sleep - until 5am when the dawn chorus started!

I think that's all about Saturday, the rest of the weekend will follow soon!

Promises

2009-05-25T22:53:00.004+01:00

I'm home again.

I've had a great weekend. I've spent time with Mum, camped in her garden and taken some photos of her garden and the marquee where we spent most of every day.

The problem is this. I want to tell you all about what happened; what I did, where I went, all about Karen and Caleb, but I'm so tired I can't do any of it justice.

I even wanted to tell you all about why I'm so much happier now, but I am so tired I'd leave something out, miss the point and be mad with myself about it.

So. Here is a promise that I'll tell you all about it just as soon as I've had some sleep and lost this headache.

I promise.

A Tribute to a Friend

2009-05-21T10:34:00.003+01:00

Nothing bad that's directly related to me; but Noel Stanton passed away during the day yesterday.

Noel was the Senior Pastor of the church my entire family attends - even me, when I can get there. He was 82; and he was known to be ill, so really it wasn't a surprise. Even so, when you've known someone and seen them on a regular basis for 30 years it's hard to contemplate the idea of them passing on and not seeing them again in this lifetime.

I'm not totally sure how I feel. Some times I don't think about it at all, some times I think about it and am happy that he is at rest, and then there are the times when I have to dive for a tissue because it's just hit me that I won't see the man again in this lifetime.

Noel had a huge amount of love to give, and made everyone he met feel valued and respected. Even the homeless tramp on the corner who most people would pretend not to see would be looked in the eye and recieve a smile and a short chat. It really didn't matter who you were: God loved you, so Noel loved you too.

One of my favourite stories of him came from Louise, who used to go and stay at his house for weekends sometimes. One sunday she had been asked to get milk from the fridge for cups of tea (back in the day when glass bottles were much more common), and as she opened the fridge door, three bottles fell out of the fridge door and smashed on the floor; leaving her in a huge puddle of milk - just as Noel walked into the kitchen. If I recall right, his words were along the lines of "oh dear, don't cry!" and he left the kitchen laughing.

I would say that he loved children; because he did, but he loved everyone no matter who they were.

Rest easy, Noel, and I'll see you again one day.

The flaming weather!

2009-05-20T09:02:00.003+01:00

What in the world is going on with the weather?

Rain and wind should be happening in April, not May! I should be able to at least consider going camping, but if it's not raining, it's blowing a gale, and if it's not doing either of those it's dark, and the moments of sun we do get are usually in the middle of one of the gales!

Probably just as well that I've planned to delay my camping trip until September. Still planning/hoping to go to Sennen Cove again, but I'm just a bit lax this year; and I haven't booked the train or the campsite yet, but then last year I went in August and train seats and camping pitches are at a premium then.

All that whinging aside, I'm going to Mum's this weekend; having not been to see her since Dad and David's joint parties. Bless her heart, she's missing me and complaining a bit that she hasn't heard from me for ages, but I have been busy in just about all aspects of life and calling people has unconciously slipped off the radar a bit. I need to talk more about what's been happening, but I'll keep that for next week I think - it will be worth the wait, I promise!

Anyway, about this weekend. Being a bank holiday, I'm going over to Mum's to join in with her Church's bank holiday weekend celebration. I'm going to be so tired - meeting 1800 or so people non-stop for 3 days has that effect; but more importantly, I may well be camping in her garden due to the numbers of other friends arriving to shorten the journey to the same celebration! Camping in Mum's garden means I get more camping time in, a bit more privacy, and birdsong first thing. I'll take the camera with me, because Mum's garden is massive and beautiful and I love it.

I've started baking again, and best of all, I have friends to help me eat the results. Good that I have friends to get out and see, and better that they like what I bake in my wee little shoebox of a house! I need to talk more about my friends, they are a very precious commodity, and I am sure they don't feel sufficiently valued...

Final piece of good news - I've found a foolproof method of coping with work and life in general, but you will have to come back next week to hear more about it!

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Edit: Mum has just confirmed that I will be camping in the garden - woo hoo! relative peace and quiet amid the mayhem!

Of cameras and pictures.

2009-05-13T12:53:00.006+01:00

I'm sorry. I have been really quiet lately, but I got a bit low and really had nothing good to say, so I thought quiet was best for now, but I do have news.

I've got a blipfoto journal going, and you might like to look at it here.

The idea is to take one photo and upload it to your journal.You can only put one photo per calender day. I find it really makes me think a bit more about the pictures I'm taking "is it blip-worthy?" is now a common question. It is really making me wish for a better camera - and a wireless laptop!

The camera I have isn't bad, don't get me wrong, but I think with a bit more technology I could take a greater range of pictures. This one doesn't seem to be particularly good at landscapes, and I want to take those as well as close shots of animals and plants.

I have found a garden that it most blipworthy, and I strongly suspect I'll be posting a lot of pictures from there! DN is a fantastic gardener with huge amounts of imagination and the ability to transfer it to the ground. Planting the way she has means the garden seems to be about 3 times larger than it really is! Doesn't hurt any that there's a river right outside the back/side door either...

Work is not really improving, but having plenty to focus on outside of work such as having a twitter ID as well as friends and family is helping a great deal.

I have rediscovered wearing red too. I do have a fair bit of red clothing, but I got out of the way of wearing it, even though it is pretty much the perfect colour for my skin (not sure why, but not questioning it!) It's a good confidence boost too, knowing that all I have to do is wear a red top and I look great, even if it's only above dodgy cheap jeans for work!

The highs and lows of being a cyclist

2009-04-25T15:35:00.004+01:00

You know what really bugs me most? It got to be the way that everyone decides to get the car out and go in caravan with the rest of the universe when I'm just a bit late going somewhere!

Doesn't matter that I'm going to be late for work, the rest of the world has decided Tesco is the place to be, so I have to wait for the whole blasted lot to go by and then give myself heart attack tying to catch up the time I lost while these inconsiderate people drove past and made me wait!

Of course, there is revenge. If I know I'm a little behind time I simply foil all the drivers by using the nearest zebra crossing to get to the correct side of the road for the direction I'm going in, then they have to wait for me! Sheer genius; really ticks off the drivers and theres nothing they can do but wait!

I still maintain that I prefer using the bike. I stay fit at no extra cost, no extra insurance, no fuel, no tax, no parking to pay. I really do love it. I can use routes not available to drivers, and because I'm travelling slower I see things that a driver never would. I also get less mental fatigue than car drivers, but only marginally more physical fatigue (5 years daily cycling does give you stamina)

Then there's the plain funny, that makes the whole world laugh; like on Tuesday, when I went shopping and had to do a store-cupboard stock-up. I ended up with 6 of those big Tesco reusable bags, some in blue, some the hessian sort, two zip up cool bags and a couple of those clip along the top padded ones, good for chilled stuff. How in the heck do you get all that on a bike, get it home and put it away and still be on time for work?

Well, a case of PMT helps, but it worked out that there were 3 bags on one handlebar, 4 bags on the other, one each side of the saddle, one - plus a tray of cat food - on the rear rack and finally a bag of bottles on my arm because I couldn't fit it anywhere else! I did pay though, my back and arms hurt for 2 solid days until I remembered the arnica I keep telling everyone else to take!

This week has gone fairly well on the whole I think; no tears, lots of sunshine. Payday happened so shopping happened, which is always good; even if it's only food shopping, its still retail therapy in my book!

Twilight

2009-04-19T21:00:00.002+01:00

My favourite time of day, and impossible to photograph. I've just been outside to get a breath of air, and it's so still.

The sky is a beautiful shade of blue, definitely not day, but not the navy of late evening. The stars are out and just about sparkling. It's only just dark enough to see them. The birds are singing. Being a cat owner, the birds stay well out of my sight. I think they know that there may be a cat following me!

There's very little wind; and because it's almost dark and not summer, most people don't fancy braving the 13C chill to experience the peace that twilight has to offer. Personally I'd love to put on some thicker clothes and take a candle lantern outside and just sit. That in print, I think I just might in a minute, along with a cup of coffee.

I would talk about what's been going on since I last blogged, but it's far too depressing to share, Low morale at work and depression at home. Once again the house is a bombsite. I'm hoping that I can get to grips with things this week, I've taken friends' advice and started taking St Johns Wort to try and help. I did get the laundry done, but then I have to be a long way down before can't face doing laundry. Dishes and general tidiness fall by the way first by a long way, but clean clothes and personal hygiene are important enough to me that I can usually find a way to get them done.

Right. That's all I'm prepared to say about the bad stuff from this week. I reread what I write here, and I cannot afford to type reams of depressing stuff; it's really bad for me to read it, drags me down for ages.

I did make a really nice carrot cake this week. It's truly good enough to consider as a regular thing. Kind of good really since everything chocolate has had to leave the repertiore hastily! Means I have a good ginger cake, carrot cake, fruit cake, victoria sponge and scones of most varieties as well as cookies. I've started cooking properly again, rather than just reheating or cooking from frozen.

Right; I'm now going to find a jumper and go outside for a bit more peace!

...Man, I hate that...

2009-04-14T23:54:00.003+01:00

Heard Shania Twain sing? I think I can sum up today in one of her songs - "Honey I'm Home" - it was one of those.

I was late leaving for work because I couldn't find my music player, my mobile phone and some hair bands. I got held up at every corner on the way in - I live right next to Tesco and it seems that if I'm five minutes late leaving for work everyone, but everyone, takes the opportunity to drive past me and make me later still! Get past the traffic, into the country park, step on the pedals and - nope, brakes. The Easter break means that every mother in town has dragged her children and their bikes and trikes out along my route. I tell you, dogs are a breeze by comparison!

I really wasn't looking forward to going back today at all. I've had three long weekends one after the other; and when you're getting a fair bit of stress at work it really doesn't make you fancy hurrying back you know?

Stayed in that depressed/grumpy/whatever mood until about 6pm when "Honey I'm Home" started playing in my head - the way these things do. Pretty much summed it up really, lots of stupid little things trying to spoil the day; but hey, I'm going home at the end of the day, Oliver and Jewel will be pleased to see me and I've got some nice drinks and snacks in the fridge too!

Oddly enough nothing really bothered me that much for the next four hours. Best of all, I am home now, I have a coffee to hand (of course) and I've watched a bit of TV and I'm chatting with some really good people. I'll go to bed some time in the next hour and do it all again tomorrow, but tomorrow's not Tuesday, it's Wednesday, the middle of the week. It's all downhill from here!

The only niggle I have is that rain is coming and my hip hurts a bit and so I'm staggering around the house loking a little odd. I'm sure the cats are laughing at me but so what? I'm really not fussed about it, the pain will go as soon as the rain comes and I'm actually in the mood to enjoy rain (best hang out the banners, I generally hate it being a cyclist!)

Oh yes, and there's "me friendly" choc chip cookies to go with the coffee too!

All is not quite lost

2009-04-11T21:18:00.004+01:00

I'm having another low time. I don't think I'm depressed, I'm just sniffly and tired and I'm not getting decent sleep to deal with it. I keep thinking I'm coming down with a cold for the first time in ages, but then it vanishes completely and I'm left wondering if it was hayfever.

I did pull myself together sufficiently to bake chocolate chip cookies with white choclate. They aren't quite the same as normal choc chip cookies, but they still taste OK. The however is that I did manage to burn six and my eyes sting like heck because of the smoke (and my oven needs cleaning too).

I went into town around midday. My house phones bit the dust recently, the cordless phone won't charge properly and the corded phone's micophone doesn't pick up sound properly. Nothing for it in the end, so I've got a couple of new phones now. I'm still charging up the cordless phone, but things look OK so far. I bought a National Geographic magazine while I was out; and even though I'm not able to concentrate properly on it, it was good to at least flick through. Maybe all is not quite lost!

I originally had plans to bake a carrot cake tomorrow, but I have a feeling it won't happen. I haven't any icing sugar although I have everything else, but in this frame of mind that's enough to stop me bothering. I do have an apointment with BBC1 and the Easter Day service from Southwark Cathdral in the morning. Maybe that will lift me and I'll be more inclined to do other things.

It's the first Easter I've ever not been with my family and physically at Church every day for 3 days and it is a very odd feeling. I don't plan on doing this again, that much is very sure.

I do apologise. I've just read back what I've typed, and I sound like a whinging child. Maybe the child treatment of warm drink and bed is what I need. Time for a lemsip. I can't be doing with feeling not quite right and doing nothing about it.

Just four days?

2009-04-08T20:02:00.003+01:00

I know I'm late coming to blog about last weekend; but so much happened, and it was so emotional that I had to take some time in my own head to sort out what went on and how to write it all down.

As you may remember I was really tired at the working end of last week, and that affected my getting to sleep on Thursday night (3:30am if I recall correctly), and I had to get up early for a special breakfast on friday morning. My work friends had the doubtful pleasure of finally seeing me at my grumpy best on Friday, as I wasn't giving up a free meal (well, who would?). Of itself, breakfast was OK; and it was good to have people to chat to at that time of day. However, the trip home was most certainly not warm and pleasant, the way the Rule Book says that all early trips to work should finish!

I had a "hit a wall" moment when I got home and it took 3 cups of filter coffee and a phone call to mum to get my suitcase packed and myself and my luggage out of the door and on the bus to mum's house. Not the best start to a long weekend that means you'll be seeing people you haven't seen for over 6 months. On top of my low mood there was a motorway crash involving closing the entire motorway and sending the traffic through the town where I had to change busses, and my final journey was over 3 hours in the end.

I did make it safely to mum's and handed over the chocolate to make up the stock I depleted last weeked with the chocolate chip cookies that everyone was still talking about, got fed and spent the evening chilling with various family members and friends dropping by. Very good way to waste a Friday night if your feeling tired if I may say so.

Saturday morning we (mum, dad, P and me) climbed in the car and made the 2 hour journey to visit mum's sister and family. I haven't seen these people since August, and I'd been really missing them, so it was really good to see them and reassure myself that they are healthy and happy still in spite of the lack of visits. They were doing really well. Happy, healthy and living in an astoundingly beautiful part of the country. I didn't even know the area existed, and now I'm honour bound to check it out properly, camper that I am! Auntie cut my hair in exchange for a hairwash - nothing like a quick pamper to make life perfect - and P and the girls cleared off to the park until lunch was ready.

Lunch was a great laugh, twice as many people crowded around the table then the room could really take. People were sitting on the oddest items of furniture so there were enough seats around the table; and once we'd eaten the meal proper, and before dessert various people who will be forever nameless entertained everyone else by eating straight from the serving dishes and various other "not good manners" things.

The journey home was weird. I confess to not finding motor travel easy, and by the end of Saturday I'd clocked up 8 hours travel in two days. I firstly got travel sick almost as soon as we pulled away from the house and then fell asleep as soon as my stomach settled. The evening went by in a blur of friends and books and naps, not all in exactly that order! I did cry a lot in the evening, and I'm still working out exactly what for and why and whether I feel better for it or whether I need to cry some more. All I can think is that it must have been a combination of travel and the emotins of meeting with people I haven't seen for a long time.

Sunday was just sunday really. More tears; and Church for the first time since before Christmas. It was great. I do miss going to Church, and while there are most certainly good Churches here in town I do miss the one I grew up with and I can't really settle with any of the others. Lots old friends, some new ones, and some amazing and unbelievable stories about friends I've known a while.

On Monday, I helped mum, MG and K around the house til lunchtime, made the lunch and then dragged mum off for some quality time at a friend's house; where she couldn't rush around doing laundry, baking cakes, ringing friends and all the other hundreds of things my mother finds to do in a day. We had a great time talking about how we are and what we're doing and plans for next year when I'm dealing with the upheaval of Losing My Job.

As I said earlier, I don't find motorised travel the easiest or most restful thing in the world, so Monday night was a night of no food, lots of coffee and books in the bath before an early night. By Tuesday I felt like I'd had a week off work. So much happened over the weekend that it felt much longer then just four days away.

By lamplight

2009-04-03T00:03:00.004+01:00

I'm not sure why, but this week has been a big stress-out all round. I could feel tension building in my head and hands a bit more each day, until the evening when the machine really didn't want to work and I lost it completely. Fortunately the people who caught the wrong side of my tongue are good natured for the most part and accepted my apologies later on, but the tension was still there the next morning.

Tea has been the order of the day, in light of the fact that it can help to de-stress; or at least not make it worse. While I do love to drink a good cup of proper coffee, it doesn't have the same relaxing effect in general.

I used rescue remedy a couple of times too. I keep it in my bag, and usually use it when I feel panicky. I'd forgotten that it can help reduce stress and tension too. How the week could have been easier if I'd thought to use it before!

Lavender and ylang ylang essential oils have been in my night-time oil burner, to help with getting to sleep and try to get rid of some of the tension whilst still asleep, it did work to a point I have to say; although not as well as I could have hoped. I think I'll be researching essential oils a bit more to find a good stress relief one to add to the mix or change things around a bit.

Right now, while I'm typing I'm burning a "stress relief" insense stick, containing lavender, orange blossom and thyme. I'm not totally sure as to whether it has the essential oils or not, but hey. Smells fairly pleasant though, to be honest, and it's the safest thing downstairs - the stick burns in an enclosed box - as my "other" oil burners have open flames and the cats constantly risk burned tails if I'm not actively watching them and the burner - and I'm obviously not looking closely enough while typing to protect them against injury.

Thinking about the cats, I believe they've probably picked up on how I'm feeling as they've spent a fair bit of time bickering together and haven't been eating as much as usual, and when their eating drops off I always worry a bit. Oliver is currently sitting on the back of the futon blinking at the lamp and toasting gently near the heater. As to Jewel, she could be anywhere indoors or out right now. She is the more adventurous cat, as well as being younger.

Anyway. It's Thursday night, or more correctly, Friday morning, and I'm not back at work until Tuesday afternoon, so I have four whole days to rest and relax and generally enjoy myself, so that's what I plan to do, in the company of good friends and good books, and I'll tell you all about it next week!

The failed toffee apple sauce that didn't really

2009-03-29T11:25:00.005+01:00

I went to my parents on Friday to help prepare for the joint party for my dad and my brother, the first turned 60 and the second turned 18 last week.

I didn't get the best of starts; I decided I wasn't prepared to take a bus to town that would take 45 minutes while I could walk to town in about an hour, so I did, and I froze! I forgot just how cold the wind was going to be, and leather jacket, jeans and gloves notwithstanding, I got really really cold!

That said, I got the council tax paid and my books back to the library before buying the final gift (brother's) and heading for the bus station - to miss the bus by five minutes. These busses go once an hour, so I had 55 minutes to kill, and the greengorcers I wanted to go to has closed down and become a nail bar, so that wasn't much help either. I went into Iceland for a bit and got a cheesecake for the cooks to share (yes, cooks plural!) before we plunged into preparing for the party on Saturday. It didn't use up much time though, and I was still shivering in the bus station waiting for the bus to come for a good twenty minutes.

Anyway. The bus came in on time, I climbed on, bag and baggage, paid for my ticket, kicked my overnight case up the bus since it had fallen over and the proceeded to donate the entire contents of my wallet to the bus floor. Being impatient I'd forgotten to rezip my wallet and so when I reached down to put my bags and case tidy by the seat, the wallet tipped over and everything went everywhere! Collected the change, huffed and puffed to myself - at myself, and settled down to listen to some music while admiring the countryside and the stormclouds whilst relatively protected from all of it. The rest of the journey wasn't too bad, no missed connections, no scarey people climbing on (occupational hazard of using public transport, "the public" are perfectly entitled to use it no matter what they look or smell like).

Got off the bus in Daventry and marched into the nicely located Tesco to get the various bits and bobs needed for my contribution to the food. Interesting list, brown sugar, butter, lemons, lemon juice, basil, rosemary, mint, mangoes, chocolate topping. I have long learned never to assume people carry the same things in their pantry as you, so if something can't be faked, buy it, or take it from your own pantry! Halfway round the fruit and veg in tesco, Mum rang to find out where I was and met me in there to sort out what I needed to get and what she needed to get. Paid for the stuff (nice store, customer service not bad either!) and climbed in the car for the final leg to the house.

Mum and I sat down for coffee with MG and K and shared out a sticky toffee cheesecake that blew all of our diets out of the window for the day, even as I promised that my mango dessert for tomorrow would repair all of that! We tidied away all our shopping and got dinner sorted, and then I plunged up to my elbows in making mango sorbet, which was ridiculously simple to do for such a nice tasting pudding, and it was fat free, gluten free and dairy free to boot, which meant it ticked all the diet boxes needed for the people we were feeding. Having got that in the freezer I started homemade lemonade (courtesy of Molly of Orangette while MG helped me get chocolate chip cookies going; again, courtesy of another one of Molly's recipes. I have to say I was surprised how chocolatey they were when we got the dough finally mixed - and I now sport two plasters on my left thumb because of them!

On Saturday morning, sisters B and K arrived bearing good things in boxes and on trays and every female in sight joined the fray in the kitchen. K's fiance C showed his face, kissed his girl, said hello, and departed to give male assistance outside in the cold with barbecues and chairs. Not all the men rushed to join that fray though, KS and NS stayed in to do things like make marinade for chicken and chop onions for burgers - as I understand it, since it's for barbecuing; a manly form of cooking, this kind of prep is OK! We girls stuck to thinks like arranging salad on platters, baking off cookies, icing a monster birthday cake, straining and making up homemade lemonade, finishing various desserts and assembling virgin punch (lots of children, so no alcoholic drinks in the punch)

Brother S has massive amounts of imagination when it comes to gifts, and we were rolling around laughing as the birthday boys opened their many and wonderful gifts. He also has a cracking sense of humour, which probably helped with the gift buying a lot. Things like Dad's favourite bottle of pop, cheese, a pineappple, ground coffee, number candles for D. To be honest I can't remember all of them, but the whole experience was just great - "I had £X to spend and I finished up with 4p change at the end, how cool is that?" he said at the end. I got insense for the younger and ground coffee and a framed picture of a photo of my own for the older, less imaginative, and less bulky for all the journeys I'd made to get them to the right location!

Just after 1pm the grills got fired up, and not long after that everyone else arrived. It's just as well that the house my parents live in is so big, KS and NS were grilling away and food had been announced so folks were going outside to get there burgers and chicken and stuff, when the heavens opened and everyone got drenched! Needless to say a group of people grabbed the food and ran for the kitchen, and the barbecue was continued from the top of the six ring stove! From that first sharp rain shower we got more rain and hail, so sixty-odd people continued the party within the ground floor of the house and we left the garden to freeze by itself. K's salads got demolished, closely followed by B's trifle, sticky toffee tart and my cookies and mango sorbet. Even the "failed" toffee apple sauce made by B was a hit, on cookies, sorbet and pretty much anything really!

When the eating slowed, we decided it was time for "The Cake", and after various speeches and much laughter and posing like it was a wedding cake, the cake was cut twice. Dad cut vertical, D cut horizontal, and again there was a great deal of laughter.

For a "do" where no alcohol was served - Dad's choice - it was very full of laughter, and I think I'll remember this for a very long time, even without all the photos and this post.

There was a general air of mates meeting up and catching up and having a good laugh, right down to the dead-leg competition between the lads near the end - crazy amounts of laughter going on, and all in total good fun.

Going home was a little easier than coming, connections worked with me the whole time, although I had a grumpy passenger right in front of me on the bus who turned and stared at me every time I moved. I mean, those seats are not really designed for comfort and there's no legroom if you're more than 5'4", and I'm considerably more than that, with a good proportion of it being leg! That aside, it was OK though, with just a chilly twenty minute wait for the final bus - no way was I going to walk it home - part of it taken up by telling a partly drunk homeless person that I wasn't about to give him money, that if he wanted to eat I'd rather buy him food than give him money to use in possibly other ways.

All in all, it's been a good weekend. There were down moments, but when it's public like this I try not to share tham. I'd rather give people something a little more positive to read and not drag them down even farther than thay might already be.

To new experiences

2009-03-24T13:14:00.002Z

Yesterday was some day. I spent part of the day hand writing a blog to post when I got home, and then got so busy I had no space to even think of blogs. Not sure how it happened, but I arrived at work soaking wet and expecting bad tempers and boredom, and actually got fairly good moods and lots to do. The lots to do turned out to be interesting stuff too, stuff that I never expected to learn or do, particularly at this stage of the game, but I did it and it was quite good fun!

The one dissappointment in the day was that my haemoglobin level was just not quite high enough to donate blood. Having been such an unwell child, donating blood feels like my way to say thanks to the NHS for keeping me alive as a wee one - and a way to make sure someone else gets the chance to stay alive too.

Today, well, I haven't been to work yet; but I'm still in a happy frame of mind. My kitchen is clean(!) right down as far as the floor, and I cooked a tasty, fairly healthy lunch of chicken and 4 veggies and potatoes, and promptly made two salads for eating at work.

I really am not to sure where this frame of mind has come from, and I really pray that I don't crash out, because I like it a lot. I am proving daily to myself how much nicer it is to live in a clean and tidy home, cook proper meals and wash up before I get tired and don't want to.

Best get dressed though, the boss won't appreiciate tiger pyjamas turning up to work...

The dangers of chocolate

2009-03-21T12:04:00.003Z

Giving in is not a good thing. One of out girls at work went on maternity leave yesterday, and chocolate was available in large quantities.

I know very well that I can't eat chocolate in any great quantity, and even though I ate less than everyone else, I've still managed to eat too much. I've got a fairsized headache.

I shall have to find another food for celebratory events that doesn't hurt when I eat lots of it!

I got pretty stressed during the week, and that very likely didn't help matters either.

Sorry, I've nothing better to say for myself today, although going to the bar as part of the celebration of the matermity leave was good. I know for sure I didn't drink too much, so don't accuse me of having a hangover!

Maybe I can blog something better than this when my headache goes.

A walk on a Sunday Morning

2009-03-15T13:04:00.003Z

I've been in a Bad Mood all week, so come Friday night I had a glass of something nice and went to bed - and stayed there pretty much for 36 hours. It turned out that the change from night sift to late shift was harder than I thought it would be and I was simply really tired and stressed with trying to deal with life as it usually appears. I slept Friday night, a lot of Saturday and all of Saturday night too. I think that might be something of a record, but it worked. I woke up in a much more normal frame of mind and able to think about something other than how much I hate the things I don't like!

That said, this morning there was bright sunshine, and I wanted some bread and other bits from the supermarket, so I put on some spring/summer clothes (read skirt, vest and cardigan! Oh, and sandals), picked up my shopping bags and went the pretty way to the smaller Tesco around here.

I was ambling along as you do when the weather's nice and it's Springtime; looking at the wildflowers and catkins and leafbuds and enjoying the sound of the river, only to realise that there were people on the same path - a disused railway line - who were paying absolutely no attention to a season that is as short as this.

Runners. Charging past treasures that will be gone in a couple of weeks. Not seeing the new leaves, the cherry blossoms, the pattern of tree branches against the sky. I felt so sorry for them. Spring doesn't last long. The catkins dry up, the leaves burst open and turn the darker green of Summer, the grass grows and hides the speedwell and celandines and similar wildflowers.

That said, there were plenty of people easing along on a bike, or wandering like me; just out to see what was there as well as getting a breath of fresh air. People who had time to smile and say "good morning".

It felt good, and the best bit was that once I got to Tesco I was too early and had time to sit and enjoy the sunshine before doing my shopping and then wandering home along the same railway line and seeing everything from the opposite direction.

So don't worry, the runners didn't spoil my lunch and I am now the proud owner of a tall clear pepper milll filled with rainbow peppercorns. I look forward to putting it all over tonight's salmon!

Work is good sometimes!

2009-03-10T19:58:00.002Z

Dad was grumbling on the phone again. I rang to ask what he'd like to do to celebrate turning a certain age, and it turned into a bit of a grumble session about how he felt about life the universe and everything!

So, as you'd expect, being the good daughter that I am, I tried to give some helpful thoughts and then departed for work with a lot of angst rumbling round my little head. So much so (apparently) that some people thought they were taking their lives in their hands just to say hello. Well, being at work has certain therapeutic qualities. I can think while I work, bounce ideas off people, and generally calm down to a point where I can think clearly again.

I remembered that Dad was a baker in a former lifetime, and on occasion still likes to bake at home. Dad also used to have an allotment and still enjoys gardening. Dad has a part time hobby repairing shoes. Dad likes to walk. Bit of an active, frustration-killing theme going there, so I rang him up again and reminded him of them.

You know you're on to something good when the person on the end of the phone sound more cheerful in 30 seconds than they have in 2 months, that's all I'll say! The last call didn't take long, but I think it helped a bit.

What a difference a bike ride makes

2009-03-06T06:50:00.003Z

I had planned to moan about what an awful shift I had last night. I was going to say about how the shift rushed by me and I didn't achieve what I wanted to.

Then I finished and unlocked the bike to come home. It's a lovely day. The sky is clear, it was light. There was frost on the grass, swans on the lake and hardly any cars on the road to annoy me!

Supper is in the oven, and I have plans for Orangette's chocolate chip cookies later today, probably after work when I can't sleep.

It's such a relief though. I had a nagging headache and the remains of toothache all night, all I wanted when I walked out of work was an alcoholic drink and a couple of painkillers followed by supper and bed. Now I feel a heck of a lot better and don't feel a desperate urge for a glass of wine. Tea will do fine I think.

Sleep and catching up the housework

2009-03-01T00:43:00.003Z

Oh, wonderful sleep!

I've had trouble sleeping at night because of working night shift. Each friday I come home from work and pamper myself madly hoping I'll be able to sleep; but it's a bit of a fruitless exercise, much like hoping a dayshift worker could sleep for the night from 2pm - just not going to happen!

So, I'm turning into a reclusive nightshifter temporarily to save myself from my own temper tantrums. There's no use in trying to sleep when my body thinks it daytime.

I have started doing what the FLYlady calls getting started. Just do one thing at once. I've cleared the hotspot on the settee and folded up the futon and I've got the washing going, I think that'll do for now, and the rest can happen tomorrow; including enough washing up to get some baking done.

There's washing to hang, it's going on the washing line for the first time this year, then I'm going to enjoy a DVD before heading anywhere near bed. 6am is early enough to try to sleep I think.

Sleep well!

Midnight teabreak

2009-02-25T03:47:00.003Z

Have you ever gone outside at three in the morning? Most people don't by simple virtue of the fact that they are asleep, or if they do it's because it is Saturday morning and they have spent the evening washing away the horrors of a week at work.

However. I took my Big Mug Of Tea outside for my 3am teabreak (the joys of nightshift) and was astounded all over again but how lovely it is to be outside when no one else is. There's a quietness, peace I think is more the word I'm after here.

Navy blue sky because at this time of year it's not anything like light yet. A light breeze just to freshen the face that could have been sent exactly on purpose, a couple of rabbits grazing (is that the right word for rabbits?) not far away, and most important of all, no one else! It was beautiful, just felt like everything was resting, there was no stress and it was fine to relax for a few minutes.

This is not a new idea to me to be honest. I am a night owl and have been for many years. The best nights are the clear ones with not much wind, where you can go outside and sit in your garden chair with your tea or coffee and just what the stars do their thing while you watch.

I really enjoy the wildlife too, sometimes I'll see our local fox patroling his beat, sometimes it'll be the owl from the allotments letting everyone know he's around, once in a while I'll see a bat, and if I'm really late (or early) I'll hear the birds tuning up for the morning.

It really is a special time of day, the middle of the night, kind of sacred to night owls like me and to nature by simple virtue of the fact that everyone else is in bed.

One final thing, do go out and watch the stars some night soon, they are something else!

The Journey

2009-02-22T19:05:00.005Z

I've been working at losing weight for over a year now. In fact, if I'm honest, I've been fighting with my weight for years. I'd lose a few pounds, lose one or two more, and stop there before gaining again.

So I'd start comfort eating to forget how miserable I was and you've guessed it - I'd gain again!

Finally, at some six and a half stone overweight, a friend suggested I read "French Women Don't Get Fat" and that saved me. She told me that I could eat anything I wanted - in moderation. She told me it was important to get moving, get exercise, use the stairs, drink plenty of water.

In 18 months I've lost two and a half stone, a dress size and a half (from 20-22 down to 16-18); and the weight continues to come off, and it feels like no effort at all.

Mind you, when I look back to what I used to eat, I have made some big changes. I bake bread rather than buying it (it's cheaper to bake it as well). I've stopped buying biscuits and cakes, if I want to eat something of this nature, I'll bake it, and chances are it'll be better for me. I went from sugar to sweetner. I stopped buying crisps routinely - if I really want a bag of crisps, I'll buy one and eat them, but no more multipacks. Likewise chocolate. I still eat it, but I don't buy it and keep it in the house; however, drinking chocolate is readily available and if I really need a fast chocolate fix, that's what I have.

A large part of my origninal problem was that I was unhappy and I was comfort eating without realising. When I did finally find out what I was doing I was able to deal with the emotional pain and hunger and as a result the block on the ability to lose phyisical weight dissppeared.

I did have a series of blood tests to rule out any illnesses, and they all came back clear. I was offered medication, but had to lose some weight by myself first, to prove that I wanted to do it. By the time I'd done that I didn't want medication "because it won't help me learn good habits really, will it?"

Posting on You Can Do It Diet Support was a great help too. Help, support, advice, and a public place to record whether I'd lost or gained that week!

I think I'll step off the soapbox now, before I fall off! Have a great week people!

Spring is on the way

2009-02-19T06:55:00.003Z

I found crocusses in the garden!

I was out in the garden the other morning, and I saw them flowering. I was a bit stunned to be honest; I thought the freezing conditions might have put paid to the early spring bulbs, but they were there and they were flowering in their multicoloured glory.

I think I was on a bit of a downer the other day; nothing seemed to be OK at all. All I wanted to do was sleep and read and maybe eat something. Well I slept for hours and finally I think I cracked it and so having slept, I washed up and baked! Get me!

Now, I am working nights right now, and I really should be going to bed, but I can see a whole load of positive things, so i wanted to note them before I get in the bath and go to bed.

Flowers in the garden,
Light mornings - it hasn't been totally dark coming home from work
Sleeping properly at night
Desire to bake (and acting on it too, the gingerbread was as good as it should have been!)
A shiny new future; that actually my present can't mess up, no matter how it might want to!
Continuing weight loss - I'm now down 32lb from January 2008

As Louis Armstrong put it, "and I think to myself, what a wonderful world"

Take care, and when the sun comes out, wear shades!

In the quest to understand "me"

2009-02-16T21:27:00.000Z

32 years later, I still don't "get" me.

I love people, and helping people, and anything I do that will benefit someone else gets done really well; but when it comes to something for me, forget it! I can cook, and I suspect the only reason I do that well, is that Like it or not, I have to eat.

Before I continue here, let me state, I'm certain I'm not depressed.

My home is a bombsite. It's only truly tidy when someone's coming to visit and returns to it's bombsite status within a week.

My garden? well, apart from when I sit in it in summer, it's an overgrown weedpatch, and even in summer the barest miminium gets done.

Am I an oddity, or do other people feel this way too? I'm just thoroughly confused as to how I can work myself to the bone caring for people and yet not be able to do things that mean I'm caring for me.

Got to go to work now, but this has been pestering at me all weekend. I want to understand myself a bit better, do things that will benefit me and not just because someone else needs it done.

What a waste.

2009-01-18T16:11:00.003Z

I'm not sure how to put this into words. How do you cope with knowing a friend has killed herself? Why did she feel compelled to do that to herself? To her family? What will her widowed husband do now? What of the children? They are going to grow up knowing that they were not enough to keep her going.

On the note of death and suffering, I refuse to even think of what has been happening in Israel and Gaza. It's so far beyond my comprehension, and there is nothing I can do to change what is happening there.

I'm stunned at how my day has changed course. I woke up to brilliant sunshine, and enjoyed proper coffee in bed, did lots of housework and then called my family. In the course of those calls my mindset has totally changed.

I'm sorry this particular post has been so bleak, but I had to put the words down somewhere, if only to stop them going round and round inside my head.

I cried

2008-11-09T20:01:00.002Z

I couldn't help myself. I was watching the ceremony at the Cenotaph on BBC1 this morning.

I know it's important to remember. I know well the phrase "to forget the mistakes of the past is to repeat them"

That said, I couldn't help but have tears in my eyes to see the old men in wheelchairs, who have been in POW camps; the teens among the groups of older soldiers with a row of medals on the right side of the chest - a testimony to the fact that their parent served and died, that they no longer have a parent; the women who wore their husband's medals.

It hurts, you know? How people are prepared to obey orders even if it means they may lose their life, and the people who have what it takes to give those orders. I find it hard killing rodent vermin that get brought into my house. Trying to get my head around the fact that there are people who have to be prepared to kill others in the protection of freedom is beyond my comprehension.

Rant over. On to better subjects.

I'm having a David Attenborough overdose today, mostly because I can't see anything else I fancy, and the opportunity to see the natural world from my sofa is not to be missed. I can own up to being able to watch something other than EMHE and the news!

I've managed to get all the laundry done, and the washing up is getting cleared, but my hands are really wishing for a dishwasher, or more specifically the space to put one, so I don't have to do the dishes by hand all the time! Oh well, I can keep dreaming...

Small children are great

2008-11-01T21:56:00.003Z

I love babies and small children. They remind me of what life is like before reality invades and spoils all the innocence.

It might sound like an odd comment to make, but it struck me all over again that I love small children today when I was in the chip shop waiting for my cod and chips to finish cooking. The lady in front of me had several children, and the youngest was in a pushchair. I guess he must have been around two. He was hungry and tired, and really didn't want to be in town any more, and was letting the world know at the top of his lungs!

Well, there was nothing for it but to crouch down and see if I could help him stop crying. I have no idea whatsoever why or how it happened, but in under a minute a screaming child who just wanted mum to take him home calmed down and just watched what was going on around him until mum gave him a chip from his freshly served meal.

I don't know if it's a gift, calming children; but if it is, I'm well grateful for it! I just wish I had a few children of my own and didn't have to practice on tired children in the supermarket while they wait for mum to finish paying!

On the other hand, a few of the other mothering talents would be great to have too; like having the motivation to wash up before things reach the stage of recycling the last cup for a week. Laundry's never an issue. It's almost a compulsion. I have to have clean sweet-smelling clothing. Tidying up is another major on that I managed to miss out on too...

Healing for my soul

2008-10-19T12:12:00.003+01:00

I heard such an apt description the other day "a drop of oil on the ocean, a part but separate"

I have spent almost my whole life feeling like that. Attending Church but feeling like the odd one out, attending school but definitely feeling like the odd one out, at work and always feeling like the odd one out, I got married and still felt like the odd one out. I didn't bother going to the pub after the marriage broke down because I was sure I'd just feel like the odd one out. Just reading that back makes me want to cry for my childhood. I have no idea why I felt that way, but I did.

Last night, I played on FaceBook. At some time during the evening my eye fell on the section where friends are listed. At that point there were 133 names listed. All I could think was that all these people had accepted me as a friend because they liked me. There is something about me, something I do or did for these people that means to say they want to be associated with me; no matter how I feel about myself.

That realisation made such a difference. I matter to people, maybe only because I smiled at them at work, maybe because I wasn't rude at school, in some cases just because I was able to stop their child from crying! I went to bed happy last night.

So, if you want to meet me in the pub, just say so! I can face the world happy, because I've concluded that people like me, so it's OK to like myself.

Thanks everyone, I like you too.

What's important

2008-10-11T16:31:00.002+01:00

This week I finally had television hooked up in my house for the first time in three years. Having lived without it that long I wondered what I would do with it, how much time I would spend watching and how it would change me.

I've discovered some very interesting things. I've discovered that I can't do without being up to date with the news at least twice a day, and if there's nothing better on I'll leave the news rolling. I've also discovered that while music channels are all very well, the programs I love best are the ones that show the goodness of man to his fellow man, inspiring everyone on to help and give hope to those without.

What's important to me, I have discovered, is not knowing the latest weather, or who has been shot, or who has gone bankrupt. It's knowing that there is still a spark of desire to give back hope, to help, to get things moving again.

Pay it forward. The idea of having had help, you give help to someone else who needs it, and then they do the same for someone else, rather than trying to repay the person who gave the help in the first place.

For those who really want to know what inspired this train of thought, it was Extreme Makeover Home Edition, originally made and broadcast by ABC. Helping people who couldn't help themselves and inspiring other people to do the same. I really can't think of a better thing to watch on a day when the week has left me limp and tired.

Giving is it's own reward. It changes the giver as well as helping the givee.

Keeping warm

2008-10-04T14:53:00.004+01:00

It's been amusing in the last few days. I'm talking about the way this house has responded to the changing weatherover the last week.

Cat J has climbed into bed with me every night because of how cold it has been. I put a second duvet on the bed as well as wearing socks. I'm determined not to put the heating up; it's bothering me that I had to put it on at all, so it's set to about 18C; and if that's still not warm enough, more clothes and warm drinks. O and J both are less keen to go outside now. It may be due to their age as much as anything else, they used to happily go outside in all except subzero conditions. It isn't that cold, but the cats are keen to stay in.

I repaired the magnetic closer on the catflap today. O and J had managed to pull it off completely a few weeks ago, and while it was warm out that was fine, but now its getting cold (and frosty in places) its not so good.

I'll be making chicken soup later today for my lunches for the next week. I happen to particularly like it as it's filling and warning and it's half an afternoon of cooking followed by 3 minute microwaving sessions daily per portion - added to which, O and J love chicken skin! (warm house occurrence alert!)

I also need to get some laundry done in spite of the fact that there is going to be torrential rain later today and overnight. Also, I need to shuffle the living room around so that the television has a proper place to live, particularly as the people are coming from Virgin to "plumb it in" so to speak.

I'm looking out of the window while I drink my tea, and noticing the colour of the silver birches in the hedge. They are stunning, all that colour. Add the rising wind, and there is something of a blizzard of dried leaves going around outside. Musing a little here, I think I love autumn and winter better than spring and summer. The scent, the colour, the changing temperature, the challenge of dealing with the changing weather; I love it all.

Harder than I thought

2008-09-27T22:25:00.003+01:00

I've sat here stewing for the best part of a week over the fact that I can't get straight out and dig for my dinner, and I have discovered that waiting is really hard, so I think I may need to change the subject for a while.

I would talk about how I enjoy cooking, but the very thought of it is enough to make me feel ill at the moment. My suspicion is that I'm dealing with low blood sugar, as I'm tired, nauseous and cold. I'm somewhat headachey too, but that could very easily be put down to work related stress (those who know me can attest how true that is).

The other down side is that feeling so droopy is not at all conducive to getting out in the garden and whipping it into shape, no matter how good the weather is. It's just awful, everyone else's garden near me is at the very least tidy, with the grass at a sensible height, and mine is full of weeds, too long, and I feel too limp to pay any attention to it. I had to force myself out of bed today. I would happily have stayed there all day, but no matter how rough one feels, some things have to be done.

I've even gone and placed a dotcom grocery order (shocking by itself) that has a loaf of bread on it. I mean to say, things must be grim if I'm not feeling up to loading the breadmaker!

I'm going to raid the vitamins, have some fruit juice and have an early night I think.

Sad, deflated I suppose...

2008-09-23T00:00:00.003+01:00

I'm so disappointed. I really wanted - and still do want - to get out and dig something, grow something, watch it happen and marvel at it all.

I've been told I have to go on the waiting list. That meanie Person at the Office lied to me, and I hate him without even knowing his name! I truly thought I'd be able to get going virtually straight away. I'd been out hunting up prices for stuff I thought I might need, and I was riding such a wave of anticipation, and it just isn't going to happen yet.

Sigh. My garden is truly not big enough or protected sufficently from marauding people to consider growing anything except flowers and herbs; besides which the soil is barely good enough for grass. All the nice flowers are growing in pots!

I'll make a start on getting the garden looking how I'd like it to be and hopefully by the time I'm happy with it I'll be able to get the fork into an allotment. At least I know how I want the garen to look. A bit of grass with lots of scented old fashioned stuff around it, and just enough space for the washing line in the middle.

Nervous chatter

2008-09-19T21:58:00.003+01:00

I'm bracing myself now. Tomorrow I get to go to the Corn Exchange in Town and find out if there are any allotments near me. If there are, then I can get out my pitifully poor equipment and start digging for Britain - or at least for my supper someday down the line!

There is a very long list of things I want to grow in my pocket, and I was very aware on the way home from work that I know nothing, but nothing about how to grow veg! Come to think of it, I know very little about growing fruit; soft or otherwise, too.

When do you plant potatoes, and which types are more disease resistant? And carrots? All I know is how to eat them. Beans? I think you just shove them in the ground and encourage them up a pole and then pick them, but I'm probably hideously wrong, and someone who knows a bit more about growing fruit and veg than I do is probably laughing very hard at me.

I am also not sure if I want help. I really want this to be something I do and learn from. If someone helps me, I'm a little worried that I'll turn into a bit of a passenger with my own allotment, not learn anything and the people who have helped or are helping will turn around and tell me they hate me!

Here's hoping that it's all ok

Big Plans or Pipe Dreams?

2008-09-17T11:33:00.000+01:00

I'm very excited. I've decided I need an allotment, and I've been told by the council that there are some available here in Town, so I shall be going this weekend to investigate and get started.

I really hope it works. I want to do it for a whole selection of reasons.
-My garden is tiny and the soil is pretty poor
-I need to cut my bills, and growing veg for a “mostly veggie” seems like a good way to go it
-I need to find other forms of exercise. While my legs are fairly toned from the cycling I do, the rest of me is lagging a long way behind.
-I want the opportunity to meet people. Growing things in a communal setting sounds like a good way to go.

I have millions of ideas of things I want to grow, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to fit them all in, but at the moment I know I'm bracing myself for a huge amount of digging before I can put anything in the ground at all. I want the stuff I grow to have the best chance possible, so I have already concluded that I'm prepared to use chemicals as well as the more organic things. Slug pellets for one. I refuse to let the horrible little creatures anywhere near my tender growing plants!

I have already negotiated a trade. Father is prepared to help in exchange for food, and Father used to keep an allotment before I was born and while I was tiny, so this is a very profitable exchange.

Other than the assistance, I have nothing. I also have very little idea of what I'm letting myself in for other than going to a patch of ground where I'm growing things regardless of rain or sun. I have ideas of things I will need, and things I want, but nothing really more than that.

Yes, while I am excited, I'm also a bit scared. I think my biggest fears are that I'll either lose interest and have wasted money on my hands rather than reduced bills, or that disease will strike and I'll have nothing to show for the hard work I've put in!